Only a shipwrecked sailor lives on an island alone in the middle of the deep blue sea. The rest of us live in some sort of communion with others, and all of us need help from time to time with something. Help, even though it is needed often causes, anguish, anxiety and breaks up what ought to be tight knit relationships, but if the definitions of the simple terms of HELP and HELPER are clearly understood by all involved relationships don't have to suffer.
Years ago - before the mission field, before full time ministry, I was building houses while at the same time I was courting Debbie my future wife. Many of you know her. All of you should. She is a sweety. Often she would bring her cute little 19 year old self by one of my jobsites to bring me a cool glass of sweet tea. She would hang around for awhile watching everything going on. She pretended to be interested in the things I was explaining, but looking back I bet her interest was not really in such things as rafters and corner bracing. Of course I needed to flex my muscles from time to time in order to show off how strong I was, but the truth was I was actually working even though I was quite distracted. On the jobsite Debbie often heard the cries of "Help here." You see if something was too heavy someone working alone could seriously get hurt - quickly. The standing rule was that whoever heard the call would automatically leave what we were doing to go lift it up or hold it still. Sometimes you just needed a third hand to do something important. On those occasions the person who needed the help tells the helpers how to help. The one who needed the help tells whoever it was helping to hold it here or lift it up or nail it in. It was rare if someone argued or second guessed, because it was heavy and discussing could get someone hurt. As the lead on a construction site it was my job to make sure everyone knew the end goals and how to safely use the resources we had in order to complete a job and make sure it was well done. If the goal was explained clearly enough, I never had to overrule someone's "Help here", and the job sailed smoothly and safely to its completion.
The thing is real life unlike construction sites is messy. Not everyone is working off the same set of plans using the same materials, as well everyone involved has their own motives driving their seldom accurately communicated agendas. We might as well mention that everyone develops a unique worldview as they travel through life, which flavors all sides in communication - giving and receiving.
As a father to a growing little child that Deb and I created, I often heard, "Daddy, help here." Her toy was broken, so I fixed it. Her bike was in a ditch and she couldn't get it out. I don't ever remember asking how I could help. I just did it. I carried her much of the time and then I held her hand as we traveled hither and yon. As she got older I helped her, and we never discussed it. I just helped. I drove her to this rehearsal or that master class. I knew she needed to be there, so I cranked the car and got her there. She continued growing, and she was going to some fancy smancy dance and needed a dress. So her mother went with her to get it, and I sent the money to pay for it. She told us what she wanted, and we could get it for her, so we got the dress and brought it home. We helped. It was time for college and deciding which one was the correct one is difficult for anyone, so her mother and I prayed with her, discussed the merits of this one or that one. We set some financial parameters and then toured about a half a dozen with her, and she finally made her decision. The choice was hers. Her decision was one that we were proud that she made. As Han has matured at the university and continued to make decisions Debbie and I have still done our best to help guide her as she goes along even though she is perfectly capable of making those decisions on her own. I can truthfully say that I am proud of the way she handles herself in every situation and how she makes her decisions. Even though I am absolutely certain that Han can live her own life in a Godly wonderful manner completely without us, the bottom line is that Deb and I are still her parents, we love her more than we love our very own lives, and helping her will be what we will try to do to the very best of our ability until we are no longer walking this earth. This is something Hannah just has to live with no matter whether she likes it or not. What she doesn't have to live with is receiving our help. Han has matured to the point that it is perfectly acceptable for her to say, "No thank you, I will make this decision completely on my own, and I no longer need you to pay for it. I can handle it."
Debbie and I may not like hearing that, but the bottom line is that if we are not paying for it, building it, moving it or have any other obligatory claim to her decision we are powerless in her decision making process unless she wants us to be. The truth is that Hannah is so mature that I can't imagine her making major decisions without consulting us as well as the other Godly counselors in her life she has chosen, but she could if she wanted. Han can buy any car she wants to, unless she asks me to help pay for it. Han can chose wherever she wants to live unless I am going to pay the rent. Han can date whatever guy she would like unless I am buying the dinner and movie tickets.
So often in my line of work - helping people - I hear over and over again that the help that I am giving is not how someone wants to be helped. I can't tell you the times that I have been screamed at in my office because I am offering a bag of groceries to someone instead of giving them cash or a gift card. I tried to count up the times that a person has been in my office complaining about the help they are receiving from a family member or friend, but I can't because they are simply too many incidents to remember. I am not sure, but I bet there are an equal number of times that a member of a family is in my office getting counseling over the guilt they feel from the help they are offering because the help they are offering is not in the way that the one needing help wants it and arguments ensue to the point of ripping up a familial relationship. The reaction on both sides when they receive the advice I give is almost exactly the same. The ones complaining about the type of help they receive are completely shocked when I tell them, since the help offered isn't what you think you need - just say, "No thank you." And then go elsewhere to try to get what you want. The ones who are distraught over the poor reception to the help they are offering can't believe that I have told them to be willing to withdraw the help. Your help is your resource. Your help is not theirs until they receive it. You are free to give whatever help you choose to give. You can even tie strings to it if you want to, because help is yours to give or not. The person who is in need of the help can choose to receive it or not. The one who needs the help does not define how or what the help should be.
Comments
Post a Comment